listening to "dream a little dream of me" by the papas and the mamas feat. mama cass

sigh.. nice morning sun streaming in.. but it'll be gone soon..

anyway, watched secret window a few days ago.. its a damn nice show. and johnny depp was fantastic as usual.. and last night i watched coyote ugly.. its really sort of a feel-good-i-can-do-anything kind of show.. its not bad~ and i remember last time when it was in the cinemas, i kept hearing my fren's coyote ugly soundtrack.. i think i shld go get it.. (adds to long list of soundtracks to buy)

sigh.. got homework to finish..

listening to "everything i do" by bryan adams.

-rant-

fuckfuckfuck. some ppl's friends are really damn fucking shit heads. yes.. i am selfish and stupid.. i care who u hang out with. so fuck all of u. u guys can go hang out with all ur little shit head ppl... and ill just retreat.

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. ugh.

damn it. whats wrong with everybody? ok.. im not going to rent. because u fucking ppl will just hate me more.

grr. i will never hang out with ppl who talk bad abt my frens or whatever.. if i noe u hate them i wont go hang out with them and stuff like that.. but why do u ppl have to do that? WHY? can u just fucking give me a fucking good answer.

-end of rant-


sigh... i dunno what to do.. ive lost some goals in life and feel a little lacklustre. shit... and i went visiting just now.. and ... nvm... -_-

listening to "black black heart" by david usher.

its a nice morning feeling type of day.. i hope it remains like that..

anyway, had reunion dinner last night.. burnt my hand.. had to put lots of burnol and wrap it up.. :( hurts real bad at first.. but its fine now. it wasnt in particular a gd reunion dinner... my dad made me cry.. Again. i don't understand him really.. sometimes i wish i could just slap him across the face and make him wake up. i used to just laugh it all off.. but now im older.. i cant control my feelings that much anymore.. and many times.. (too many) i actually just wish he doesnt exist. but then i noe he's my dad (and i still love him although i hate him.. see.. i dont make sense,) so i usually just run away and hide somewhere to try and not do anything stupid.. shit.. and i heard what he said abt me last night.. he said i have a mental problem. that just made me cry harder.

sigh.. i dunno what to do..

anyway, i found out how they make their cuts bleed so much... tried it ytd but im too scared to do it again.

its gonna be a bad year.

listening to "i believe in a thing called love" by The Darkness.

I have no idea why i just skipped from the kitchen to where im sitting at now in a burst of energy..... @_@ strange.. anyway, i have a sudden urge to dress up in my fav funky 80s style and go out to some funky retro place. too bad no such place exist in sg and even if it does.. where do i find ppl who are willing to go with me? :(

boo...

I WANT TO GO TO NEW YORK AND TOKYO! sigh... sch was fun today.. it was a field trip to the asian civilisation museum.. the guides were really nice.. and the art work gorgeous! :D i espacially loved the ganesha and shiva statues! have to write a report on one chosen artifect.. hm...

anyway, sat at starbucks after sch with mikko, mandy and eric. went home with mandy in the train talking abt some unmentionable stuff... heh..

the recent topics of our conversations within my grp of ppl in my class has been abt lesbians n gays these days.. dunno why.. and im beginning to like lesbians more than i used to.. mainly due to some of my friends being full fledged lesbians and i do understand them better now.. haha.. not that i hated them in the first place.. *wriggles eyebrows*

haha... its the chinese new yr break for now.. so im just gonna stop thinking abt negative stuff and enjoy myself.. although,... im not so sure abt being able to when i go visiting... man.. gotta endure stupid snide remarks and "fat" comments. grr.

I WANT TO BE PART OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE TOO.

bee-uuu-tee-full peee-poleeeee.... ;_; (pic taken from misshapes)

listening to "taste in men" by placebo.

serious designer's block if there is such a thing... man.. sigh.. i hate this blocks i get.. and i cant ever concentrate when i get it. how to finish my work by tmr morning 830? HOW? its gonna be a late night for me tonight.. :(

anyway, was just browsing lyrics to get some musings going.. and came across this paragraph from the song "Every you and every me" by Placebo.

Carve your name into my arm
Instead of stressed I lie here charmed
Cause theres nothing else to do
Every me and every you

its so.. pretty.. and romantic. sigh.. ok.. im hopeless i noe.. :P

remember joey mcintyre? and his song "stay the same"..?

o man... those were the days... sigh... anyone got the song?

listening to "scream" by IMA ROBOT.

hm.. so i went for charissa's 21st bday party last sat... man.. i hope my 21st bday wld be that happy. i think they must have spent tons of cash on the party.. the fact that they even catered brewerks beer and had a 2 or 2.5kg Ice-cream cake from swensons.. complete with the cool dry ice and everything.. sigh... really wondered how her 18th bday was.. :/ unlike mine definitely..

anyway.. went for sch this morning.. didnt do much.. had visual studies and did the papier mache thing.. haha.. quite fun.. then went to kfc for lunch with a few ppl... today's topic of discussion centred mainly arnd tattoos, piercings and ghost.. haha.. went off to marina, suntec and millenia with don and mandy after that.. loitered till arnd 5 before leaving and meeting my sis.. where the both of us had a hard time contacting each other cos my sis phone went out of batt and its so damn hard to find a payphone that uses coins nowadays.. grr.. V_V

so loitered arnd somemore.. and decided to go to tower records.. and guess what. there just waiting for me.. is the QAF soundtrack for season 4. is it my incredible luck or what...? at first i found the soundtrack for the L word and i tot.. if they have this, then mayb they have QAF.. and wtf. THEY DID. :)

i think i have this thing with cds nowadays.. keep finding the cds i want and all that.. heh... must be becos i cant d******d anymore.. haha.. but what i really am looking for and cant find is the band bronski beat.. so if anyone see it.. please please please tell me.. esp if its their age of consent cd.. or VINYL.

sigh.. now.. if only they had qaf the series in stores... haha.. if only...

p.s (looking for fellow D&D knights and warriors to join me! anyone?)

listening to "unholy confessions" by A7X

its a saturday morning... sigh.. the weeks gone so fast... my goodness..

went to sch as usual ytd.. and i realised i worry too much.. i mean.. i got through the day just fine didnt i? i shld learn to stop worrying so much.. but i cant help it.. fook.

anyway, it was eric's bday ytd.. so we had lunch and walked arnd ps together with him after sch... after he left, me and my sis both walked to orchard.. went to heeren first.. hung arnd mise talking to candy.. and then left when we had nothing else to do.. and went to see stuff at borders.. does borders have a discount card? i think im beginning to spend more time at borders for their literature and more time in kino for their art books... hm... well.. at borders i found something ive always wanted ever since young.. DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS! not the movie... the bloody game itself. so i had to get it.. and since my sis is working i "borrowed" cash from her.. :/ shit... i shldnt spend anymore cash... *bangs head on table*

crap.. came home and watched "harold and kumar go to white castle"... again. this time with my dad.. there were some nudity and alot of vulgarities.. but who cares.. its hilarious.. though my sis doesnt seem to think so.. -_-

ar well.. and now.. i feel like i just woke up and something horribly wrong is abt to happen to me.. but i just dont noe what. have u ever gotten that feeling? i dunno man.. and... i got to go to vanessa's sister's bday party later in the evening and i have no idea what present to get her.. shit..

ok.. my left upper eyelid keeps twitching.. thats bad right? shoot. anyway, i think i finally feel ready to get a tattoo.... went into the shop 'visual orgasm' at parklane with my sis and eric ytd.. oman... I LOVE THE TATTOO ARTIST.. his name is joseph. haha.. such a damn bloody cool guy. can u believe they do scarification as well! shit man.. its cheap too.. i was just pasting the stickers for them before this on my sch traffic light or was it a lamp post? lol.. (cos alvin passed me the stickers..) and then we decided to go check out the shop .. we stood outside the shop cos it was closed and stared at it.. and i was saying wow.. who's this joseph guy... his works are damn nice.. and there he comes... inviting us to go into the shop for a look.. we said sure and he opened up the shop.. its interior is nice too.. bloody hell.. he's portfolio is even better. he grad from nafa too. :D i trust him.. K! im going to get my tattoo there.. lol.. now where do i get 60 dollars.. haha.

anyone else wanna go?

I LOVE CHANNEL 5! i just saw the shows they're bringing in this yr! omgggggggg. i tot they were only bringing in oprah and american idol (both of which i really love).. but guess what! they're bringing in cheif in commander and PRISON BREAK!!!!!! XD aieeeeeeeee.

^-^ see la... damn couch potato butt. sigh....

its multi-tasking at its best.. heh.. im in the midst of watching EDWARD II the movie.. (abt prince edward the second..), researching and doing my hva report, eating a chicken wing, uploading photos into the comp and chatting on msn.. o wait.. and writing this.. lol..

ok.. lets start with monday.. went to arab street with chunyi for a really good dinner.. i hope one day soon, the gang'll go out together.. tuesday.. er.. dont remember.. ytd... went to the jrock concert thing at nus.. er.. its ok.. i like lucify's performance the best.. myidarre and requiem was great cept for some stuff they shld take care of.. (for example.. requiem's vocalist.. o gawd..).. but then its their first gig anyway.. so take pity.. i was just really really turned off by the sluts that came.. and o yea.. not to mention all the sgfuckingcafe ppl. HAH.
but none the less i still had fun.. mostly because of lucify's performance and the crazy bunch of ppl in my circle.. ie.. kaori and the rest.. XP

and.. then.. today... er.. had lessons in thinking this morning.. very interesting.. and after that, a 3hr break before our hva mass lecture.. so me, mandy, mikko, alvin, don and michelle went to eat lunch together.. after that.. stupid alvin left.. -_-'' and so.. the rest of us along with fiona and w/o mikko went to book one of the discussion rooms and watched Harold and Kumar go to whitecastle. (CLICK ON THE LINK!!!)
OMG... i LOVE IT. damn fucking hilarious.. one of the best comedies ive seen in awhile that will make u laugh ur head off... :D

after that.. waste somemore time before we went to sit for the hva mass lect... and then.. came home. and viola. now time to finish everything else..

listening to "all or nothing" by O-town (lol.. yesyes.. oldddd sappy pop song..)

hm.. this weekend has been a strange one.. last night, me, my sis and my dad went out together to clarke quay after my sister got off work arnd 10.. we walked arnd and then had dinner at this pizza place next to crazy elephant.. with the best pizza i have ever tasted.. its cheap too.. (guys.. we gotta go there some day..)

anyway, its strange because i havent been out with my dad like that for a long time.. and well.. its kinda ok.. and i guess u can say im trying to not hate my dad so much.. im really trying to improve a lot of things if uve been reading my past few entries.. sigh... anyhoo.. after that, we sat and watched the g-max thing for awhile.. till the last ride.. arnd 12plus midnight.. before taking a cab home.. heh. it was nice i guess.. ive never stayed out late with my dad before.. i guess... its cos now we're 18 and all that... :/

and.. today? did some of my homework this afternoon till 4plus.. cldnt concentrate after 5pm.. so i layed there reading my gay vampire story book called 'bite club' before going out with my mom and sis to parkway for groceries.. lots of stuff to see and get at giants supermarket.. i like grocery shopping! haha.. although no money..

then came home at arnd 9 and was doing somemore drawings just now.. and now here i am blogging because my sis is in the bathroom taking a shower.. hehe.

im actually kind of happy today. which is a tremendous improvement. :)

listening to "life on mars" by David bowie

sigh........ i wanna go out.. have fun with the gang... u noe? its been a long time since our makan outing to chinatown.... and some ppl really need to realize that this grp of ours is our priority not others.. who they may never contact again after we get out of school or lose our interest in something similar. ... ok.. fine.. so im the paranoid sort... i mean.. i put u guys first so sometimes i need to noe if u do put me and the rest as ur priority grp.. ok,.. im blabbing.. its the insecurity speaking.. :'(

anyway, simmie met me and alvin for lunch ytd.. and at the same time.. we saw three cars banging into each other... -_-

blah. sch is getting strange.. i still love sch doh.. i mean.. come june, ill be focusing purely on photography. tts major good.. cant wait.. but.. why is it strange? because.... i tried to turn my situation arnd.. in sem 1.. i had lots of enemies.. well... this sem.. i talked to most of them.. n i guess they're ok. but of cos my number one enemy is still my number one enemy. which i shall not mention his name..

anyway, so i managed to make life that itty bit easier for me... well.. at least its a start.. now.. to tackle all the work and other personal problems... i feel so strained just thinking abt it.. been crying almost everyday since my birthday last yr.. this has got to stop...
im working on it..

sigh.. o and i think i shld quit jap class. im losing interest and i have no time to cope with both jap class and sch work. mayb one day ill learn japanese by really staying there... i dunno.. heck.. stop dreaming stupid! ;_;

owell..

listening to "octavarium" by DreamTheater...

...which im hopefully going to the concert for... *crosses fingers*... money is so tight nowadays.. yet i spent as if its water.... shit man.. one of my resolutions for the yr was to save money.. which i must say.. isnt happening... ;_;

anybody else going? lets book tix together so we can sit together. pls contact me a.s.a.p... me and my sis planning on the cat.2 tix.. dont ask where im gonna get the cash.. just dont..

anyway, i went for hva mass lecture just now.. didnt concentrate.. which means i have to read up or DIE trying.. cos i have to pass that damn mcq quiz at the end of the term. O NO... x_x

okok.. gtg.. still researching that damn history thing.

*edit* http://pure-rock.net/gigs/gig.php?gigid=43 just plugging it.. *end of edit*

listening to "macabre" by diru

o crap. o crap. o crap.

im feeling tre miserable... ;_;
last night after a sudden breakdown.. i was telling myself i can do this.. i can go through with everything.. chunyi was cheering me on.. and then i started cutting again (not like i stopped in the first place....) after she left msn.. and got all wrecked out.. and now i feel horrible because i slept late and caused myself to miss my 'lessons in thinking' class this morning...

le crap. T--T damn ass shit me. why cant i do anything rite? i really didnt want to miss today's lesson. i still have history of visual arts later.. and i dont want to miss that.. so i have to make sure i go.. now i need to continue my damn research on traditional japanese art in contempo japanese pop culture.. god. i shld have chosen an easier topic.

i feel like everything is starting to tumble.
its only just begun.. the edge crumbling in.. soon ill be a heap at your feet.

(kinda sounds nice...) :/ blah.. i dont even noe what im typing anymore..

watching tab tv makes me laugh.. and makes me wanna cry.. and scream. now they just spoiled the name of those ppl who self mutilate. There are some who do it for real.. just for the release.. and not so much for fun.. FUCKING ASSHOLES.

damn it. fuck tab tv.

grr..

listening to "fade" by staind.

fuck. so many things happening now.. including the death and funeral of ms devi. i love her love her love her.. fuck.. i just.. dont know why 06 has to start off like that.

my dad has also brought up the issue of moving to thailand again.. i dunno... arggggggggggggg.

i really really really wish i cld have someone to share all this with right now. o god.. SEND ME SOMEONE.

hm... and.. anyway.. i have to wake at 7 everyday cept tuesdays now.. since im in the new class. crap. but its ok.. i found out alvin is in my class. and there's this guy who's preetty funny.. who i can talk to at least.. and.. he remembers my name! haha.. its eric from terence's last sem class.. thank god.

damn. i hope and pray that everything will get better from now.. i don't want to go on like this anymore.. sigh...

*slams head on table*

p.s (cutting is fun)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Disorder:	Very High
Schizotypal Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Disorder:	High
Borderline Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	High
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

o god.. i dunno where to start.. so many things.. i feel so depressed right now.

they switched a bunch of us from 1W to the jewellery design class 1X. Fucking hell... and there's so many ppl in there who i hate. and i cant stop thinking of how to cope with the work.. cos changing at a time like this means i have missed some imp lessons that 1x has had and 1w has not. and the sch term is very short.. therefore, just by missing one lesson, it can turn u upside down.

I dont fucking want to be in a class with jewellery ppl.. nor ppl i hate. not naming anyone.... but there's quite alot. i want my photography class back.. i noe ill see them again in yr 2 (this june).. but i cant take it.. i like the ppl in there. they think the same way i do and we all have at least something in common. in 1x, i feel like a bloody infested rabid zombie.

when i got home ytd.. i cldnt stop crying.. so much that when i work up this morning, my eyes were swollen.. and i cld hardly see anything.. had to go to the new class that way too. I HATE THE DEAN FOR DOING THIS. i want to speak to him.

i want to die. no.. i just want to cut myself so much that ill numb my hand n head. u fucking ppl made me.

and besides this.. alot of other stuff is happening too. why.. i just dont understand.. why is it that i have to suffer more than an ordinary human have to... ? i really dont understand..

...

sigh.. on the other hand.. i went for a really good talk just now. i was the only 1st yr student in the room who went on my own will.. one class went because their teacher asked them to.. and the other few were 3rd yr fine art students which makes it compulsary for them to attend it.

why was i the only one who went on my own accord? because it was this gay artist named joel seah who gave the talk. i was so happy when i saw the flyer arnd sch and cant believe it. i can finally meet a gay artist. his work is superb.. and his talk was engaging. i really had fun listening to him.. spurs me on in my own pursuit to do gay art. problem is.. i wanted to talk to him but.. miguel n micheal and the other lecturers were so happy to see him they were surrounding him and everything.. i didnt get a chance to.. so i guess ill try and get his email.. ive got so much to ask him.

he is having an exibition at the substation next week... click here for details. and stasis 8 this sunday.. anyone interested? call me or something..

k.. im going to mope in one corner now.

my life is officially over. cant stop crying abt it..

...............

o.. and hoshi came home with us today.

WELCOME HOME HOSHI! :D he's not exactly with us now.. still at u-noe-who's house.. but today shall be his bday! :)
damn it.. el is still so tempting to me... :(

listening to "wake me up when september ends" by green day.

sigh.. first day of second sem! what can i say... its interesting.. :P

my lic is strange guy man.. he keeps saying.. "beeeeee freeeeeeee" and stuff like that.. lol.. he's a photographer apparently.. (no wonder he's in charge of my class!) im so glad i can finally say im a photo major! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. boo all u ass holes out there. XP

anyhoo.. new class, new ppl. at least fez is in my class.. and alex.. and mikko. but other than that.. blah. i dunno how long it will take before our class gets aquainted with each other. prob is.. other class' first lesson was more like introducing each other.. but we got started on work and all that instead.. -_-''' so.. we still dunno each other's names.. blah. tts bad.

WHY.

alrite alrite.. i'll try not to make any enemies or what so ever. keep my mouth shut and do my work! yea.. tt shld work. X)

(placebo's so adorable.. dont u think?)

listening to "crazy" by aerosmith.

crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

its that time again.. yea... school's astarting.. life's achucking.. lol.. it just hit me.. school... bleah..... i love school.. but no matter how much u love school.. getting up and out of bed is still hard sometimes.. haha..

but anyway, new year, new start.. a fresh chalkboard for my nails to scratch on.. er.. u get the point. hm.. alex is in my class.. crap. i dun want to be stuck with him for the next two yrs.. nooooo.. im supposed to meet new friends. ARG. (ALEX.... if u read this, u go join the other guys.. OK?)

lol.. er.. lets see. new yrs resolution...

1. save cash
2. lose weight and eat less.. :(
3. up my standards as a photographer..
4. spend more time with my sis since we're seeing each other less with the diff schedules in sch.
5. try not to hate my dad so much
6. love my mom more
7. try and be nice.......
8. STOP JUDGING PEOPLE.

o gawd.. tts gonna be difficult.. :/

haha.. sigh.. who came up with resolutions anyway.

[DONT U DARE FUCKING STEAL MY PHOTOS. more to come soon! refurnishing my website..]

HAPPY NEW YEARRRR!! :B

heh.. yay~! this is the first time i spent my new yr's eve and new year outside at a countdown.. haha.. and its the best time ive had in the entire 2005 and makes a great start for '06. I just came back in fact.. took the night rider bus. haha..

before the countdown, me, chunyi, janys, farrah, sheril and rei went to aji shima restaurant to eat and disturb my sis.. haha.. had a few staring incidents there though.. but lets not talk abt that.. haha.. er.. sis came off work arnd 930 and me, my sis and chun left for clarke quay for the mardi gras countdown..

the mardi gras countdown.. was... DAMN NICE. haha.. they had fire eaters, drag queens and all that.. so gorgeous and colorful.. and and and.. LOTS OF EYE CANDY! X)
yes.. when i say eye candy.. i mean.. GAYS! i love gays i love gays i love gays. :)

anyway, it was a blast! oman.. the exilaration! screamed our heads off.. smoke and snow spray all over us.. intoxicated with various bottles of alcohol.. danced like mad.. and had the first two cuts of 2006 on my finger from the bloody bottle cap of the long island tea alcohol. -_- haha.. (long island tea sucks btw... so we mixed it with vodka Q raspberry.. lol!)

after the countdown, it was time for everyone to party.. dance dance dance.. loud music and everything.. the whole clarke quay became a street of dancing and celebration.. so nice.. janys and farrah joined us after that.. danced even more.. (the fact that we dancing next to a grp of sexually charged gays.. ehehe..) then rested awhile outside '1nitestand'.. took a drag from a virginia slim.. o gawd. i still hate menthol.. lol.. then left for the mrt station to take the last train..

but.. when we walking towards the station (all sweaty and disgusting), i heard some guys shouting "last train HABES!" which means .. last train finish.. ha... so we sat outside st anthony's cathedral and waited for the bus. but the first nr7 tt came was too squeezy.. so we waited for the next nr7.. and when it came. only chun cld go in.. so we let her go home first. then the four of us went to ljs to sit for awhile.. before buying food at 7eleven and catching another nr7 home. Janys and farrah is really really fun to hang out with! havent done that in agesssss...

so i pretty much enjoyed myself. :) and im sorry for not meeting the other ppl i cldnt meet for other countdowns and stuff! gomen ne~
esp. to mel.. sorry i didnt go for the boonlay gig.. its too far and my sis had to work..

Happy new yr again~!