listening to "comalies" by lacuna coil.

sigh.. after sooooo long.. i went back to deviant art and actually submitted some of the old photos ive kept for so long.. but i still feel uninspired.. so fucking uninspired... and i have been for the last 4 months or so... hopefully when sch starts, i'd feel different. and hopefully, ill have nicer photos to put up..

blah.. i keep seeing other ppl's absolutely stunning photos and it makes me so stressed to get to that level... i want to.. but i dunno how. arg... i shld be inspired not turned off... but still.. i cant help but feel that i will never get to that level.. WHY?

i shld think positive.... THINK POSITIVEEEEEEE!

blah...

i dun wanna go to the steamboat later... i DUN WANNA. but i have to. its hard to explain.

life is so frustrating sometimes. urghhh...

watching grey's anatomy.

ok... X-men 3 was absolutely lovelyy~! :) woopee~ and we stayed till the end to see the part that leads to x-men 4!! I CANT WAIT FOR X-MEN 4!!!!! XD yay~

haha.. and ben foster was great as angel! i didnt expect him to play such a role after watching him in bang bang you're dead... (he's in freaks and geeks too!).. haha.. and I HATE PYRO.

anyway, going steamboat on wednesday... if anyone wants to come, please let me noe.. and then a picnic on thursday with my aunt... she invites u guys (chundainamoyu) so feel free to come~ must let me noe in advance of cos.. :D

yep.. tts it.. back to my grey's anatomy!

listening to "tabibito" by the Backhorn

im freaking pissed. blah.. sometimes ppl dont noe it when they're thinking really selfish-ly and they just keep wanting ppl to conform to their desires. u noe what i mean? ...

i noe sometimes i act that way too, but if u compared me to last yr... i have changed ALOT. although i still fucking hate it when ppl tell me what to do.

blahhhhhhhh.

aa.. life goes on.. anyway, ytd was spent at chunyi's house cooking and stuff.. just hanging out.. played mad magazine game too.. then watched singapore idol before we went home.. gosh.. i hate that geraldine chua's attitude... her mouth sure is big. sometimes its better not to act so arrogant. and why is it that i hate all 'geraldine chua's... for goodness sakes.. i noe 3 geraldine chuas and i hate all 3. god. -_-

WHY WAS I NAMED GERALDINE?? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?

ar well... i think i will go out and catch a movie (so many to watch!) or something later.. bye..

watching the ring.. (that english version)..

hm... went out with chunyi earlier just now and then met up with simmie before we went to the bugis hawker centre to have dinner.. well.. sort of.. then we went to watch lgf.. haha.. its been so long...

they were good.. despite the problems they had like failure of the keyboards.. poor seto.. i really like his keyboard parts... U GUYS SHLD GIVE HIM SOLO! lol.. anyway, i still LOVE taoqi.......

oo ok.. the ring just finished... hm.. actually i was never interested in watching it... haha.. but it turned out really good! nice film man.. not scary though.. good for the plot..

er ya.. back to lgf.. haha.. choo was so cute.. he was nodding to himself at one point... and mel was so good!... haha.. i dunno.. i just kept staring at his drum kit.. @_@ i want my own set!! kinho and chun was just so high.. ahaha.. and emi! .. boy, its so long since i heard her voice.. lol..

anyway, if ur reading this, u guys did good! and after so long, i still can sing along to all ur songs.. well.. almost all... the ones that i noe anyway.. haha..

kk.. after the gig, we stayed a little to chat with them... something abt cosplaying hardo gay amongst other various things... lol... and then left for home..

blah.. tts it. heh.. as for tmr, i think we'll be dressing up. :3

listening to "chop suey" by SOAD.

once again.. let me start by saying... I AM STILL F**king SICK!!! ;_; bloody hell.. my throat is just killing me.. and my mouth constantly feels dry and my lips are peeling. ARGGGGG.

blah. anyway, just for ur info.. if u dont already noe, the pic below in the last post is ewan mcgregor and Jonathan Rhys Meyers from one of my fav movies, velvet goldmine! some ppl cant recognise ewan.. haha.. and the director Todd Haynes is coming out with another movie this coming yr or so.. Its the story of Bob Dylan.. I CANT WAIT!!! XD

more movies....... so many to watch now and more to come! yay~

ytd, rach came over and we played 'rat race' the board game (retro k?!) while we baked brownies.... haha.. although the brownies are the betty crocker instant packet kind... it was still difficult to bake with us taking it out and putting it back in the oven like 3 times over and over again! haha.. but in the end it was not bad.. a tad too sweet i think.. but goes so well with milk! :)

haha.. o and i started my skipping ytd... i did 150 times.. and got tired.. haha.. but THATS HOW FAT I AM!!! ARGGGG... i cant believe i got tired at like 150 times.. i tot i cld do at least 200... ;_;

i must lose weight! esp when sch comes arnd.. i have to stop leaving class to get snacks.. lol..

sigh.. life goes on... and if u ever feel like commiting suicide.. go to this website.. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ haha.. i had fun reading it.. so shld u. :)

listening to the velvet goldmine ost. :3

ahaha.. just a pic (from velvet goldmine) for eye candy's sake. XD

sigh. the internet is such a nasty place.. ppl can pretend they noe everything.. and pretend that they are some hot shot and stuff. they can bring their authority up way above ur own.. and demand ur respect. blah..

anyway, went out with rachel, shufen and my sis just now.. went to sch first to return my sister's library book and to check out which class we got in.. but its not out yet!!! WHY? stupid admin ppl so slow... but the time table is out.. and if im in the ONE and ONLY photog class there is, then i LOVE my timetable.. because.. TUESDAYS NO SCHOOL!! XD lol.. but thats only IF. sad thing is.. if its really just that one class of us.. that means... I have to compete with alex and his groupies... x_x im doomed.. they have all the experience and money to get everything... Thats kinda unfair.

i REALLY REALLY crave the 50mm 1.8 portrait lens!!! I CRAVE IT! I WANT IT!!! ARGGGGGGG!!! ive been meaning to save for it eversince i used alex's one during nafa sports day.. i noe u wldnt believe me but i used it for sports photography! AHAHA.. but its INCREDIBLE.. eventhough ppl will prob call me STUPID for using it.. @_@

anyway, after going to sch, we went to parkway by bus.. and arrived all wet becos of the rain.. had lunch and then shopped arnd.. not exactly shopped.. just run arnd and stuff.. we collected our photos.. aa.. good times.. :3 but so bad some of the shots came out real horrid.. then we walked arnd somemore..

and.. yar... nothing much. came back and i feel like shit again.. *shakes head*

watching american idol finale live by satelite...

im feeling MUCH better today.. my throat doesnt hurt as much.. and my cough isnt that bad anymore.. thank god.. although i now have a stupid ulcer and the insides of my cheeks is swollen.. ;_; whyyyyyyy..

oo.. bucky and chris on tv!! :D

anyway, i went to parkway parade ytd.. bot the blackline segment ring (FINALLY!!!) and had it changed at stege. thank god... i was beginning to get scared of the enamel depletion with the stud.. but... the segment ring is SO EX!!!!!!!! arg.. luckily my mom paid 80% of the price... or else i dont think i wld have gotten the segment ring.. i wld have gotten the cbr instead.. (which isnt really that nice on me i think..)

the changing of the segment ring hurts like *toot*. haha.. seriously.. and the lady who changed it for me.. i dunno if she's a qualified piercer.. haha. but shld be la.. the other guy was just standing above me and going.. "ooo.. that hurts huh?" and "pain right?" but then after its done, both of them said it suits me very well.. and i look real pretty with it! X) aw.. haha..

but i got a headache after that.. and when we went to giants to buy groceries with my mom and sis.. i kept feeling like im gonna vomit.. i dunno why..

blah.. o! and i recieved my results ytd. i passed with flying colors... well.. sort of.. at least i got a few As and Ds.. haha. -_- as long as i can pass to 2nd yr, im happy. going back to sch later to see if which class im in.

yepyep.. thats it.

listening to "bad day" by daniel powter..

sigh.. ive been sick for almost a week already... and im supposed to go meet alvin and the rest for steamboat tonight.. but my throat wont permit.. damn it.

and.. the past few days of rolling arnd on the floor in my blanket along with my aches and pains.. ive had time to think... abt ppl... friendships.. it seems like we're all breaking apart because we have diff wavelengths... what may be important in a friendship to me seems unimportant to some others..

i dunno.. or mayb thats because i just dont have enough friends.. and others.. rather hang out with their outside frens or shit then do things with me?

and seriously... i wld love to post this qn to anyone who reads this blog... Do i annoy you? do i mope too much? perhaps i shld really go see a psychiatric doctor soon?

a.. i read somewhere that ppl who dont noe u who reads ur blog tend to side with u because they empathize with wat u write and dont noe what really happened... its true i guess.. haha. blahhhhhhhhhh.

haha.. a few days ago.. i suddenly remembered a band i used to love when i was in sec 1. It's the band Adema.. haha.. thats like 6 yrs ago.. but i loved them LOADS. anyone else know them?.. haha.. i esp loved the song "giving in" and "the way u liked it".. lol.. and i found their vid on youtube.. actually wanted to post this up but forgot.. so here it is..



ah.... how lovely it is to hear adema once again.. lol...

listening to "protege moi" by placebo.

ive been sick since thursday... my throat really really hurts.. feels like im swollowing sand whenever i drink water or even swallow my saliva... and i still tried to go out on friday night to catch da vinci code.. haha.. stupid me. cldnt catch it doh.. everywhere was booked full..

i think i had a fever ytd.. the past few days.. my temperature keeps rising and falling.. and i keep getting shivers then feel extremely hot.. and i have a multitude of body aches esp my back and neck.. shit.. according to the book they just gave out on pandemic flu, i have human flu... luckily not the bird flu... plus i just came back from thailand! arg.

thank the heavens. i think i shld be ok by tmr. i hope... cos on tuesday im going to have steamboat at night.. but anyone wants to join in? just let me noe..

listening to from first to last.

u noe how sometimes u just feel like killing yourself? this is one of the moments.. (but im afraid of dieing).. i came home really really tired but happy... (cos i spent the day with chunyi, fen n my sis walking arnd..).. then i ate my dinner and my dad was bored so he was asking us if we cld clear and sort the dvds and cds n stuff.. and cut the long story short, ended up w me and my sis wanting him to watch 'bang bang you're dead'.. the movie..

now.. u see, 'bang bang you're dead' is one of those 'Trigger' movies... they trigger your anger, trigger your self injury if ur one of us and that kind of stuff.. one of those really REAL movies.. the last time me and my sis watched it, we cried alot and we decided we really have to show it to my dad one day.. because he doesnt noe how he treats us or understands how difficult the outside ppl are on us..

BAD MOVE.

spent the two hours watching the movie, crying and argueing.. but we still made sure he watched it till the end.. but he still doesnt get it.. i have no FUCKING idea how to get to his head. How to make him see that i hurt myself because he says im stupid.. because he makes me worthless, useless.. and then comes tell me i have to stand up for myself and be open with him or he wldnt noe how to help.. how to be open with him if he fucking interrupts and thinks he's right all the time.

earlier today, my auntie called.. kept asking me to go ask ppl where i can go to get medicine and pyschological help.. i declined.. although for a period of time (before i went thailand), i wanted to get medicine so that i wont feel the bad feelings anymore but come to think of it.. its better this way. no one else gets hurt, i dun suffer side effects (that may lead to death) with the consumption of the pills... and i will be able to feel, i wont be a zombie... (like when ppl are on the pills and it makes them just go blank and say WATEVER).

nvm.. ill just sit here while i listen to my music really loudly although it is technically the middle of the night.

listening to the carpenters gold.. (yesterday once more)

I AM BACK FROM THAILAND. :B

hee. it was quite enjoyable except for some let downs... hm.. bot lots of stuff but this time not as much as any other time.. i dunno why.. i wasnt in the mood to shop much.. aldoh i did get most of the stuff i set out to buy.. other than my cbrs.. shit. i really needed the lip rings.. but i didnt manage to get them because i stayed with my dad while he got his tattoo at kaosan.. and that took too long and the shop closed! ARG.

blah.. first three days was fine... cept for the last two days we got kinda slack and relaxed alot at the hotel. which was fine with me cept there were somemore places and things i wanted to go and do. bah..

haha.. photos to come... damn tired.. o and... durin the time we spent in thailand, it rained quite alot.. which is pretty strange.. and guess WHAT!!!!??!!
around the provinces in thailand, weird jelly blob things started appearing from the rain.. and the thai children called them alien droppings! HAHA. weirdddddddd. i was freaked out when i saw on tv and on the newspapers... ARG. read it here!

creepy. and the rain really stopped us from going to some places we were planning to go.. sigh..

okok... ill type again tmr or something.

im in the gate already!!!! :) heehee.. byebye singaporeeeeeeeeeeee!

listening to "secret love story" by KISHIDAN!

alrighty. im leaving in abt 9hrs time to the airport... haha.. cant wait to be in thailand. yea! away from it all... AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. what a great thought. haha..

kk.. bye. i wont be back till mon or tues! :)

dont miss me.. well.. no one will anyway... ;)

listening to "last resort" by papa roach

haha.. i just read this on towleroad..
http://towleroad.typepad.com/towleroad/2006/05/pete_wentz_in_b.html

interesting.. even if u dont like fall out boy, u got to give pete wentz credit.. i never really liked fall out boy... (the emo thing..) haha.. cos i always tot he was an arrogant bastard and that his fans are shiet. but.. seems like they arent really like that.

cheers to wentz~

listening to "end of all hope" by Nightwish.

met pj last night.. havent seen her in the longest of time... she chopped her hair! haha.. shorter and cuter looking now.. lol.. and we all had a nice good chat abt everything...

other than that, the whole day was uneventful.. did nothing much. just played arnd with my drumsticks.. practice rythms.. and played with asano... blah.

as for today.. i dunno.. i 'just have to rest more'... thats what my dad told me.. since we're leaving for thailand on wed.. yay~ cant wait to get out of here man.. if i dont leave soon, i might just explode...

the people here makes me wonder how the hell i survived. i yearn to go somewhere greener, fresher, livelier and NO kiasuisms... -__-

goodness. but then again.. sg has its gd points i suppose.. like its security amongst others.. sigh. but sometimes i dont think i have anything left here that wld actually be worth staying for.

i mean.. not even friends.
why is there no DEEP bond between me and someone.. sort of a best fren of sorts? someone who i can cry to and wont bother abt it.. or i can be crappy to.. and they wont care.. someone who wld LIE for me.. haha.. what the hell am i spouting.. bah.

i need drugs.

listening to "heaven's a lie" by Lacuna Coil

today was ok... n VERY VERY hot.

went out with rach, my sis and chunz.. to the flea market at timberlux building.. which we cldnt find.... spent so much time searching.. and then when we found it.. we didnt buy much cos it was so crowded we cldnt stop at any one particular spot to look at things properly.. all i got was a brand new david bowie cd for 5 bucks.. haha.. but thats good enough for me~

after that, we took a bus to somersat and went to take neoprints at heeren and then walked arnd.. ate at wisma's food court and... finally got my kerrang!.. god.. dont know why i cldnt get the pass two weeks' kerrangs...
blah.. then walked arnd somemore till abt 9 before we all left to take the train home..

and in the train.. there were these horrible ppl staring at us.. or.. mayb i was just paranoid... but seriously.. sometimes i really really wish i dont live in singapore. its such a rude country.

anyway, me and my sis watched a movie called 'chicken tikka masala' just now.. haha.. kinda cute... its funny.. but some of the humour is kinda dry.. unless ur like me... and u laugh at anything and everything. heh...

other than that.. i think my paranoia is coming at it again.. fuck. my brain really needs a check.

its cos of my so called 'new look'... makes me PARANOID.. god. i hate it when ppl stare.. i feel like stabbing them.. but id hurt myself then hurt them. aldoh i think... one day ill really just not be able to take it.. and punch them or something..

and.. im beginning to fight with my dad alot again. we're at loggerheads constantly... ugh. I DUN FUCKING NOE WHY. i cant control my anger.... shit.

and i feel horrible.. i dunno why... mayb cos its the hols.. and i have too much time to think to myself.. and thinking too much is not good.

i need a doctor.

listening to "farewell" by apocalyptica.

sigh.. im so tired.... zzzzZZ

went to rach's house last night.. n we all helped on writing the song that remains nameless.. haha. I wrote the drums for it.. imagine that! my first piece of drum score. WOW. :D and our band's first music piece coming into shape in front of our very own eyes. woowee.

lol.. had quite alot of fun... too bad simmie cldnt stay so late... (next time ok?) and i finally found my drum stuff.. haha.. so it was easier to practice.. now all we need is more mattresses in rachel's room, a drum kit for me and more snacks for our midnight cravings.. haha.. o! and soundproof the room! ahhaha.. (we're getting too ambitious.. lol)

okok.. we're all going for the undergrnd movement flea day later.. aldoh it already started.. bah.. haha.. bye

listening to "Give it to you" by Jordon knight.. (o man..)

lol.. tonight was fun. XD

We (chun dainamoyu) + totchi was over at rachels house jamming! lol... we've got it down to a fineee art... haha.. a mess actually.. we were all just playing arnd here and there.. i need my own set of DRUMS. i hate playing air drums... -_-

but! it was still all fun!! we all met for dinner first then headed to rach's house for our first session of jamming.. man.. we really really need to catch up on our instruments.. everyone's rusty! (other than simmie... HER VIOLIN IS NICEEEEE!) haha.. *waves to k-kun*

anyway, just for those who dont noe.. our band is...
simmie on violin,
me on drums,
marlz on bass,
rach on e. guitar,
chun on keyboard/piano

and... NO VOCALIST. lol.. we are currently not looking for one anyway.. we're purely instrumental now. :)

haha.. we dont even have a band name.. aldoh this has been going on for yrs... haha.. we've finally put a foot forward and come together after so long.. XD YAY! happy happy~

listening to "good times gonna come" by Aqualung.

a few days ago, i watched a movie called "bang bang you're dead".. it hit me so hard in the chest. it makes u think.. esp if u were in my position when i was in secondary sch.. 4 yrs of hell. my god. i cried after the movie was over.. cos i was thinking of how my so called "friends" and my dad was treating me. i hope everyone watches the movie.. it will teach u a lesson and everyone else as well.. just be careful cos it may trigger if u s.i.

then.. ytd, i watched queen of the damned.. i lovvvvvvve shows that have some sort of music influence/culture study in them... (like velvet goldmine and hedwig and the angry inch!) haha.. and the main character.. stuart townsend... is... haha.. h o t.

erm.. ya.. anyway, went to chun's last night... she cooked soba for us! haha.. thx chun~ that was a last minute thing.

and... i actually didnt want to leave the house... BECOS I MASSACRED MY HAIR. luckily i have my retro specs so i can make myself look like i cut the hair style on purpose to make myself look 60s. :D haha.. i always wanted retro hair.. its just that I WASNT READYYYYY!!! and it took an accident to happen. sigh... haha..

i have such a funny life.

listening to Philip Oakey & Giorgio Moroder - "Together In Electric Dreams"

sigh..

me n my sis just came back from meeting alvin, his fren, mandy n eric at blu jaz. had a great time. i was actually not planning to stay so late.. but who knew we'd chat till now.. it was really relaxing.. and alvin and his fren was smoking sheesha. or however u spell it.. lol. nice smell man.. (i shy.. never try.. but my sis did!) lol..

the atmosphere was great and everything.. there was no tension of any sort.. which is good. and alvin said that we're all no longer classmates.. we've all been upgraded to friends... haha.. tt kinda touched me.. (but of cos not to the verge of tears la... tsk) he even sent a thank u sms after we all left on our way home.. how sweet.... @_@

lol.. we're gonna meet for steamboat or something next.. after i come back from thailand..

anyway, im glad i went. actually almost never go... haha.. cos my sis kept sleeping and i kept watching stuff on youtube.. haha..

[p.s. To chundainamoyu (u noe who u are.. lol), come on.. lets go out like that too.. till late!]

listening to "karma chameleon" by culture club.

sigh.. went out with chunyi and my sis ytd.. didnt do much.. walked arnd heeren and taka as usual.. chun bot a cute top and shopped arnd... i looked for alvin's present.. and found it.. and.. thats it.. boring eh?

what pisses me off is to see more and more ppl dressing visual due to lucify and all that on tv.. fuck.

blah.

anyway, i watched pretty woman ytd... HAHA. classic.

ok byebye.. me going out tonight for drinks and stuff. wanna meet just call.

forget the last two post.

i took some panadol and stuff.. and i feel better now. the headaches cleared alittle.. im going to try sleep now. nite.

i cant take it.. im a wreak now. there's blood on my arm.. but its not helping.. im crying my eyes out but its not helping either... i actually just had the thought of myself getting an overdose and dying.. and im still crying while im typing this.. im so scared.. but no one's helping..

i feel so sick... this headache's pounding so bad.. i fear i mite not make it to the morning.. i hope i do. no.. i know i will..

i'd try anything now. im afraid of prozac and zoloft after reading abt the side effects but i dont care.. if anyone cld get that for me.. i'd even try. just make me stop thinking. STOP THINKING.

tmr.. ill just wake up and be happy again. yea. ill do that.

ppl dont realise i get angered easily.

ppl dont know that i cut when they make me angry or sad.

ppl dont get that i dont understand why i feel what i feel.

ppl dont get that i cant help what i say sometimes.

ppl dont understand how much relieve self mutilators get when they cut.

ppl dont know that i daydream nightmares.

ppl dont know that i keep thinking bad thoughts which make me cry.

ppl just hate me for all that i am.

u understand that dont you?