if i were you - hoobastank

You seem to find the dark when everything is bright
You look for all that's wrong instead of all that's right
Does it feel good to you to rain on my parade
You never say a word unless it's to complain
It's driving me insane

If I were you
Holding the world right in my hands
The first thing I'd do
Is thank the stars for all that I have
If I were you

Look at what's around you now
More than you ever dreamed
Have you forgotten how just hard it used to be?
So what's it going to take for you to realize
That all could go away in one blink of an eye
It happens all the time

If I were you
Holding the world right in my hands
The first thing I'd do
Is thank the stars above
Tell the world I love that I do

Yeah if I were you
Yeah if I were you
If I were you
If I were you

So what's it going to take for you to realize
It all could go away in one blink of an eye
It happens all the time

If I were you
Holding the world right in my hands
The first thing I'd do
Is thank the stars above
For the world I love
Take a breath and enjoy the view
Live the life that I wanna do
If I were you
If I were you
If I were you

listening to "Suspension" by Mae

this week's been a sad yet happy week.
i dunno.. the week started out with me going out shooting with hitomi and serene on monday and tt was ok..

then tuesday, i went to sch to get some work done... but before that.. i met chunyi in the morning. and i just kept quiet when she tried to get me talking... n then she cried and then i wanted to cry but i just kept it in.. then i cried in the train on my way to school.. reached sch then sat in the lab staring at the comp screen. bah..

on wed, i dun remember.

on thursday.. (yesterday), it was fun cos i organized a potluck lunch thingy.. and my class ate together including my sis.. then it was off to the darkroom to get pics printed.. then came home and then went to hitomi's house for a sleepover..

the sleepover was fun although all we did was eat, sleep and watch cable and movies. haha.. there was me, my sis, hitomi, diego and serene. the usual la.. and i watched scary movie 4~ amongst other movies.... not THAT funny.. but it was ok.

and hitomi's mom cooks really well! :D

yep.. and as for today.. stayed at hitomi's house till 5 plus and then came home and i just had my dinner of homecooked prata and curry.. yumm. haha.. thank god for home cooked meals. :) lovely.

guess who just came out if the closet?

lance bass.

:) i knew there was always something gay about him. haha.. so he finally came out to everybody... and he's dating this guy from amazing race.. (remember the gay couple.. one named chip.. the other one is the one he's dating.. rei or something like that..) well.. i know how difficult it must be.. so good for him!

listening to "deteriorate" by Demon hunter

ytd, after too long of not going out with my family properly.. me and my sis finally went for dinner with my parents.. it was good. we didnt really fight or anything. for once. (before that we went to watch hairi play in his friend's band!)

anyway, everyone seems overwhelmed in their own problems now.
i cant take ppl telling me over and over again what their problem is.. and when u tell them something they dont want to listen or do it and just keeps telling u the same thing over and over.. then whats the point of telling me? seriously. i want to help but i cant if u dont want to do it.. right?

but then.. i shld have known. everyone needs to let out their problems..
i think thats probably what i didnt do rite... i bottle them up and then i explode. because although im listening to ppl no one's listening to me.

now i feel like screaming. -_- ar well..

angst is not good for the soul.

listening to "my brain is hanging upside down" by the ramones

i just walked to the station and back to pass farhan my 350d... haha.. it was a good walk... although its just a short distant.. but as i was walking back home, i walked pass this house and i cld hear the family members inside... two ladies talking happily and it made me feel so sad.. for once, i wld like to wake up and not see or hear an empty house (other than my sis still sleeping) with the windows open and light streaming in..

i wish i cld have saturdays like that family.. so nice to have voices talking to me in real life then just in my head...

ar well.. anyway ytd's class was alright.. we went to chinatown (WHY??) to take pics.. which is quite sad.. cos it shows that we seriously have no where else to go in singapore. :(

after class, me, alison, farhan, diego and jenny sat at swensons.. munching stuff and talking abt movies and stuff. it was fun... but then i went home after that and waited for my dad to come home from thailand.. and he came arnd 11++ pm and bot us dunkin donuts! :3

speaking of my dad.. he tries to treat me nicer now because of the suicide incident. bah.. does it have to take something like that to make ppl realise things?

its a sad world.

listening to "pierrot the clown" by Placebo

just watched rated:e on ch 5. hm.. finally they have some sort of entertainment info/variety show on tv. -_- but.. so bland! goodness... but better than nothing i guess... just that WHERE IS THE MUSIC STUFF? ar well..

these few days are depressing.. i cant stop thinking about where im going from here.. from this present moment.

but ive started loving sch again. the ppl in my class always somehow make me laugh alot.. and its better to be in sch with them then alone and depressed.

so today had a little consultation with francis in the morning and then after that had armando's lesson.. armando's hilarious! we all love him loads.. :3 and then we walked to ruby to get stuff and then back to sch to use the darkroom.

i love being in the darkroom. its like i belong there. and i enjoy it loads.. cept for the never ending smell of developer... erk..

and now home. two weeks of self study coming up round the corner.. cant wait to print more. and to do my own research and to catch up on work and stuff.

im tired..

listening to "ordinary day" by duran duran

i cant believe yesterday cld have been my last day.

i cant believe i'd actually attempt suicide because of you guys.

yesterday was the day i actually felt regret for everything ive done in my life.

i thank god my dad saved me. thank god for my sister who backed me up. thank god for diego and hitomi who i called and who called to check on me..

and actually... thank god i attempted suicide.. now i see how upset my parents got, i'll never try it again.

thank god im leaving this past behind.

listening to "the way you like it" by adema

o how i love the boys of 35D...

go watch --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DytnCD9FJ_s

and project runway season 3's looking pretty promising for drama! haha... yep.. me and my sis watched the first two episode... there is some kooky ppl in season 3 man... @_@

ive been thinking.. perhaps its time to grow up.

maybe things became like that for a reason. hitomi asked me if i'd regret leaving my frens of many years behind.. and i replied "without regret" without even thinking...

cos i think everyone changed.. some of you became someone ur not and some of you realize that you're changing into what u really are.

ive seen some of your true colors. its not all that great.

i havent found a single person i can trust whole heartedly. i can safely say that. and no.. im not saying u can trust me either.

and ppl always say.. "if you need me, im here" everytime something crops up.. but who really really mean it?
if i need to fucking talk to someone, i'll fucking call up sos or some psychological hotline or something... its more confidential anyway.

n i hate it when ppl try to tell me that im not ugly or fat. becos.. FACE THE FACTS. I FUCKING AM!

and i have fucking low self esteem. i noe that.
dont tell me to stop cutting either. its the best thing that has ever happened to me.

dont force your ideals on me.

just DONT do anything and leave me alone.

i dream of the day i leave this place and start a new life with new friends and a good career. i noe it'll happen someday.

listening to "through the fire and the flames" by Dragonforce

dragonforce is power.

anyway, ytd was friday.. and as usual was the best day of the week. today and tmr is gonna be the worst.. too much work to do.. cant go out..

so.. ytd... went to sch and watched a film on helmut newton (the photographer) which was very enlightening.. we watched it instead of going out to shoot because of the rain.. then after that, we had lunch then we went to the studio.. studied abit.. then proceeded out to shoot.. we walked to little india this time.. i didnt shoot much.. neither did my classmates cos we didnt have much inspiration.. came back to sch, did some survey thing for matt and adrian then walked to ps and did nothing at starbucks... chilled out la.. so long since ive been to starbucks. then after everyone left, me and my sis went on our way to heeren...

when i reached heeren, MY MAGAZINE WAS GONE. :( everywhere else was gone too.. cldnt find it anywhere.. cos the new issue came out.. so i need to call pansing up on monday and ask. O M G. first time im going so crazy just for one magazine. haha... becos its mojo's 70s issue special edition. arg. and i also bot Q's special 80s edition from borders.. kino's too ex... :D

how the heck am i gonna save enuf for my lens if they keep coming up with special editions??? @_@

anyhoo, went to far east after that, i havent been there in a long time.. my sis bot a dragon force cd at the used cd shop. and there was a grp of jc students in there talking abt satanic music and how they dont understand why they burn the cross... -_- please la... and they all claim to be metal heads... and BLOCKING the fucking way.. HELLO.. we are the customers. excuse moi.

blah... haha.. yea.. then we were so tired, we went home.. didnt manage to shoot anything. stupid ar.

owell... and how'd u like my new blogskin!!!!!!!!! ARGGGGGGGG! my sis made it. thank u thank u. :D

listening to "tristan" by patrick wolf

my god. havent this few days been hell for me. anyway, today isnt all that bad at least.

after armando's class, me, serene, my sis, bernard and ping went to Art Seasons at gemill lane just off club street to help francis with his art exibit.. charmaine and ming and one other guy was already there since 10am... haha..

helping is fun but o so tiring! haha.. but it was worth it when it was time for the opening and all the ppl who were there were big shots... @_@ other than my sch's teachers and us students.. lol.. i had wine.. too bad there weren't cheese.. but there were some chinese confectionaries.. :3 haha..

and i saw francis' wife and TWIN brother!! oo lala.. haha.. and most of my classmates came and we had fun.. its cool to have such a cool teacher. lol.. my first proper personal invitation to an art gallery with a famous photographer's work.. and i helped! woo wee..

anddd... most importantly, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE FRANCIS' SHOES! :D haha..
and also his wonderful shirt and pants... from commes des garcon leh. crap. one day i'll have enough cash to get that too.

it was so funny when he went to the toilet to change and took such a long time then came out all coy and shy with his hair all done and stuff.

damn.

and we'll see him again tmr. yay, friday! best day of the week.. :3

listening to "still fighting it" by ben folds

I wasnt gonna write abt this.. but last week.. my dad told us that he'd be moving to thailand to expand the bike business there... (so called open a branch with some partners).. i dunno.. i wanted to bang my head on the floor when he said that.. but i just kept quiet.

and then perhaps my mom will move there when we finish sch. i fucking dunno...

and then the pass few days.. ive been rash.. never tot of actions and consequences.. and did some awful things.. and got some awful consequences.. and now i have to face them. i think if there ever was one perfect time to commit suicide.. its now.

i really dunno what to do with my life...

and i was just really really happy two days ago while talking to sara about attending uni in parsons or rmit... i was so looking forward.. then things happened.. and i also remembered abt my parents moving overseas and also how we wldnt be able to afford to send either me or my sis overseas..

the future looks bleak.

if there ever was a time so depressing...

wait a min.. i forgot i have always been in depression. bah.

listening to "bring it all back" by S club 7

haha.. old song.

anyway, went to the dark room today and did another two roll of negs plus a contact print and lots of test prints.. haha. tt was fun.. cept one of serene's film was destroyed cos i shldnt have let someone do it for her. CRAP. blah...

then me and my classmates actually WENT for design drawing.. irritating piece of shit class.. bah.. at least francis knows we hate the class and supports us.. haha!

and er.. watched pee wee's big adventure today!! ahahaha.. my mom enjoyed it too.. she laughed her head off.. but my dad as usual.. dozed off.. haha.. ar well..

and recently my sis bot roystan's shorts (the compilation of his short films).. its GREAT!! please get it if u havent.. dont pirate it ar. its the best! :D

but my dad doesnt understand short films.. except some.. :( he thinks its all rubbish....

sometimes.. i wonder where me and my sis gets the want and need of culture from? hmm? haha.. ar well...

opps.. i forgot to add that i saw this adidas bag that i absolutelyyyyyyyyyy MUST HAVE!!!! but its 140 dollars i think... T_____________T WAHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY? crap... anyone got discount or something?? haha.. blah.. i think i can save enough after i save for the lens.. but what if by that time, its not available anymore? HOW?

why do i always have bad luck?

listening to "parabola" by tool

friday lessons are always the best.. we went to arab street ytd.. to take pics and stuff.. me and a few of my classmates.. felt abit daring so we climbed into the old burned down shop house although they chained it up already. it was super creepy.. but it was amazing inside.. cos the light streaming in was reddish.. and we found some paper that told us it was an indian provision shop. cool eh?

anyway, after class.. me and diego went to excelsior.. went to talk to the camera workshop guy abt nikon fm2... diego lovesssss the nikon fm2.. and asked about 50mm lens again.. arg... im trying to save for the 50mm 1.8 which cost 130 bucks. sigh.. and to think that that's considered cheap already.

blah.. then we went to the foodcourt to meet my sis and we all had indian food. muahaha.. that was the best... soooo filling man.. then we went to the supermarket at raffles place for fun and diego treated me n my sis to the fried mars bars chocolate.. ahaha.. (like simmie and sara had..) haha... how sweet.

n left for home after..

o.. and francis has invited my class to the opening of his new solo exhibit on thursday night.. he told us to go get some wine and cheese... :D haha.. tts gonna be fun. (psst.. chunyi! u wanna go not?)

anyway, im definitely not going for cosfest tmr.. spare me the headache.. cant imagine all the fucking jrock posuers there. arg..

and on a more serious note.. there's this person in my sch who's starting to piss me off alot... arg... everytime i see that person i get this horrible feeling that he/she's gonna come and tell me something abt something i like.. WTF. stop it. get a life.

listening to "Shiroi Kuchibiruno Izanai (White Lips Kissed)(Japanese Version)" by mew

i really cant take it.. im so stressed.

anyway, watched 4:30 by roystan tan.. its really sad..

and.. met grace ang by chance... in the train. she seems happy. good for her.

and........ i dont know why but im using razor from now on although im slightly intimidated by it..

it produces more blood.



sometimes... i really really really HATE you guys. i do.

listening to "follow the cops back home" by placebo

shit.shit.shit.

that emo shit is coming back to me. im feeling emotional. again. it never stops... IT NEVER STOPS. FUCK IT. im going to cut myself until i bleed non stop.

and i hate being stuck inbetween not knowing who to believe or what to do.

listening to "crazy" by patsy cline.

i watched "the king and the clown" on tuesday with serene, diego, hitomi and my sis. it was so sad... i cried like mad at the ending... anyway, it was a good film..

anyway, before that, we went to little india to take pics actually.. haha.. nothing much to take though.. cept i did manage to shoot this fragile old lady when i walked to sungei road. i love old ppl! ARG.. lol.. they're so endearing ... (unless they were those super irritating ones.. like the old man i once got into a fight with..)

blah.. as for ytd.. didnt do much... went to the library early ytd... for fun, then left for class... class was ok.. ended at 830pm and went to sit at macs for alittle while before i rushed home for project runway... :D aa... daniel vosovic.

haha.. darkroom again today. weee~ seeya.

listening to "hold me down" by motion city soundtrack

ytd, we went to ms lee's church thing. BAH. i tot maybe this church wld be diff and not judge me on my appearance.. but apparently... its the same. hmrp. i dont care what they say.. im still getting the piercings.. grr

anyway, im just gonna pretend i never went there.. blah.

and.. er.. went to red dot museum with my sis after that.. met a lady... real cool lady.. with dreads.. and i took a pic of her.. haha! met hitomi and walked arnd for more pics after that... who knew chinatown alleys were so nice~ hehe.. i think i got quite a few good shots.. i hope..

anyway, did test print today.. and my shots.. were.. actually.. not that bad.. cept i had stupid stupid dates on it.. T_T wtf is wrong with me.. nvm.. i have more photos coming up. hee. XD

cant wait for thursday.. my class is booking the dark room again. hee. :D

listening to "viva forever" by spice girls..

:( such a sad sad song.. my fav spice girls song ever.. sigh..
anyway, on friday.. sis and i went over to chunyi's house along with simmie and she cooked pasta for us and her dad. then we played and talked rubbish... o and she lent me her developing tank.. muahaha.. now i dont have to fight with ppl. goodie.

as for ytd.. i watched 4 movies and a short clip named "vincent" by tim burton with my sis. (on the comp) we watched.. party monsters, napoleon dynamite, ed wood and slc punk. woo wee. ive always wanted to have a movie watching marathon.. lol.. i liked slc punk the best. haha.. then ed wood, then party monsters then last but not least napoleon dynamite... heh. go watch these few movies.. after that, my family and i went to goldenmile to shop for groceries and also had dinner at the beach road hawker centre..

and today? i need to go out shooting but ms lee (from secondary sch) asked me my sis and chunz to go to her church for some youth thing... im dreading it.. but im also looking forward to the worshiping part cos i like singing... (ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT? lol)poor chunz though... wonder if she's gonna wear her pantacle or something?

hm.. i just hope the ppl there wont treat me like im a freak. at least i no longer have multicolored hair. excuse moi. -_-

so i guess after that i'll go shoot then. as well as visit the red dot museum for awhile... okie..
andandand... i freaking want my piercings like now!!! so many things to save for.. so how the hell am i ever gonna get the money to get it? EVER? how? how? i still want a 50 mm portrait lens. that.. i gotta save for.. and what else.. i still wish i had drums.. but i guess that can wait till im outta sch. bah. and of cos.. who wldnt want a mamiya or hassleblad.. but thats gotta wait too... so now, i have to save for filters and lens and my piercings.. my poor poor holes.. when o when will i ever get more...

wow.. tts alot of rant.. haha.