listening to "better off alone" by alice deejay

yesterday's class ended at 830pm as usual.
but ytd was a beautiful night.. i dunno how to say.. it was the fact that i was with hardi, diego and hairi walking to the train station shoulder to shoulder.. haha.. and walking through bugis street and stuff.. the sights and sounds became different.. everything was prettier.. the lights were more colorful too.. its nice not going home alone for once. and we all even stop to eat some snacks before we went into the train.. and sat at the stairs chatting. tt was fun..

if only everyday was like that.. w/o so much stress.

darkroom later! finally.... i have to go print for the uob contest. im joining but so is every one else. hope i get at least a honourable mention... *prays*

listening to "sleep" by copeland

... and i did explode (read last entry)

why cant ppl just be nicer to each other? why must ppl have ego or whatever u call that overwhelming overpowering sense of wanting power and pride.

i cried so much at work yesterday evening that i was practically emotionless when i got home. louis yelled and screamed at me for things i didnt do.. and in front of other ppl.. i was already feeling stressed about everything else.. including the constant thoughts of sch work.. i shld have quit two days ago when i felt it coming. what the fuck was i thinking... that tmr wld be better. theres no such thing.

everyday wld be the same.

everyday i cry. for the same reasons.

mayb i wasnt meant to live. i dunno.. why do i have to feel this way?

anyway, after the whole commotion at work.. i sat at the computer for 2 hrs just staring at the screen (and still crying) because he told me not to touch anything at all. a few of the other ppl working there told me that there were many ppl who quit because of him and this isnt the first time.. he explodes.

and then michelle asked to talk to me. I sat there and explained my situation. She told me that its also because of my attitude. the fact that i only wear black.. (WTF.) and also because i dont see colour in my life... i told her thats my life and who said i dont see color.. i have very colorful things, i just dont have very colourful clothes because i dont feel comfortable in them. i told her i have my mental problems.. i need to see a doctor and get medicine.. and then i told her i cant work with someone like louis. but she said that he is very good outside of work... and i said i just cant face someone like that. (in actual fact, i cant face the fact that someone so unreasonable like him exist on earth.) why cant ppl just be nicer? if i were the boss i wld do everything to make my assistants feel better.. even if they did something wrong, i wld scold.. but i wldnt yell or scream and not in front of other ppl.

what the fuck is wrong with this world. i guess now i noe why i was meant for fine art photography. michelle said i didnt suit to become a photographer at all if im always so depressed and dont see color.. well.. FUCK YOU. just you wait.. no matter how u and ur husband is "talented" in the field of photography, you will never be able to express yourself with emotions through ur so called "art". what is commercial photography? a meaningless portrayal of what ppl want to see. it may be fun but its also fucked up and non expressive.

so this leads me to think about my future as a photographer.. how to survive if i do only fine arts photography? i guess i have to make money with commercial photography as well.. or mayb be a lecturer.. @_@ i dunno.

fuck the future. ill do what i want.

listening to "again" by lenny kravitz.

life feels like shit now.. i think im being stressed out to the max... and i have like 10% self esteem and i hate ppl making fun of me... although i use self-depreciative humour to get ppl laughing.. but constantly doing that hurts me so much.

ppl at work are making fun of me everyday.. i know perhaps they dont mean it.. and i always laugh with them.. but at the end of the day, they dont suffer.. im the one to suffer. i try not to take things so negative.. but i cant help it. (unless u give me some medicine to feel sedated and numb...)

why the hell am i working so hard? seriously.. since when did i decide i shld study and work at the same time..? its all because of money.... MONEY. fuck. i need money to get things for school but ironically, all the time at work makes my studies go down. so why the fuck am i still working? because i still need money. (and i guess the experience is good for my resume next time.)

fuck... i keep contridicting myself. im a self-depreciative, self-destructive time bomb ticking violently.. im just afraid one day i might explode in front of everybody..

listening to the tv go on..

another teacher passed on.. cikgu rathia.. the one teacher who tried and tried to get me to lose weight.. the one teacher who actually scared me into exercising..

passed away. just like that. why the fuck is this happening? two deaths this yr.. anymore on the way? i cant take this.. and im so fucking stressed rite now.. with work n school.. i feel i can just lie under a rock and stay there for the next few yrs until everyone forgot me. until everything pass by then emerge again.

i had to ask michelle to let me go to work later so i can attend the funeral.. she didnt sound the least bit sympathetic.. all she cared abt was wat time id be there.. n she kept asking who the teacher was.. like she didnt believe me..

why the fuck are humans so unfeeling.. so selfish..

is this what we are supposed to grow up to be?

fuck this shit.

i had a wonderful day.. my classmates were great.. as usual cept for a select few.

sigh.. tmr's francis' class.. :)

but im so tired... so bloody tired...

listening to "Was it a dream?" by 30stm

finally a rest day. sigh... arg.

im so fucking tired... working and studying is damn bloody difficult. I cant imagine if im doing that while in uni... @_@ but i have to. o no..

blah.. sch is ok as usual.. had lunch ytd with hardi, farhan and francis. then went to work... we did some photo-taking yesterday. cool eh? haha... and did aLOT of data back up. which is not done yet.. arg.. i hate data back up.

blah. when's reservist gonna end? i dun wanna work under louis so much... i rather work under wei ming. T_T

and im going to the darkroom later.. so i have to go shoot. or i'll have nothing to develop at all. arg.. crap.

listening to "(i just) died in your arms tonight" by the cutting crew (my fav fav song)

sigh.. im tired.. and i have a feeling i cant cope with my studies.. i just dont have the time to go shooting because when im not in sch, im at work. im doomed.. and im saying this only after 3 days of working for creative district. le sigh..

ar well.. i have to figure out some sort of schedule soon.. hopefully i finish early today.. and er.. yea.. hopefully. i ended pretty late last night arnd 10 but i helped assist wei ming in a product shoot for teens mag! :D he's fierce though.. :(

and its just so tiring to go home after that and still do homework. arg.. ar well.. i gotta learn to live with it.. this is my major project for the end of the year.. and i musnt neglect it. anyway, im hoping to do some really dark shots for the self portrait work. alrighty.

enough said.. off to work i go.

listening to "attack" by 30stm

ok.. the wonderful wonderful news is that i have got a job now! :) although its really really very difficult to keep up with sch work.

but this will really help with extra pocket money. yea.. and not to mention experience.. i really must thank farhan for telling me abt the job. thank goodness.

the most exciting part of all this is the fact that i now have a status! IN THIS SOCIETY! i am now... an ASSISTANT PHOTOGRAPHER.. or PHOTOGRAPHER'S ASSISTANT. haha! but still a student.. ar well.. what the heck. :P

anyway, just wanna say : SINGAPORE IDOL FANS SUCK. DONT KNOW HOW TO JUDGE IS IT?

-_-

listening to "the kill" by 30 seconds to mars

O man.. i noe its 7 plus in the morning and its too early but i just gotta blog. ytd, i got it! I GOT IT! it being something ive always wanted to do. *big grinnnn*

sigh. im so lucky.
thank God.

o and i got zombie nightmares again. i hate them!!! ARGGG!

listening to "with you" by linkin park

havent been updating regularly.. since no one's reading anyway.. blah..

today or rather ytd (sunday), i actually went to church. (ms lee's church a few weeks ago doesnt count...) hm.. mpcc. it felt so much like berean, my very first church.. the one i was practically "born into".. haha. dunno if ill go back though.. we'll see..

anyway, friday was ok. i tot i was gonna go all scared and stuff with francis going through our work.. but he took it back with him which is better than having to sit there right in front of him going through everything in front of everybody.. phew. we, instead, watched arakimentari which is a documentary on araki. :D amazing.. but 1 hr and 40 mins of nakedness was a little overwhelming for some.. haha. .. er... and francis was so hyper.

ar well, lucky me for having such a crazy teacher..

o.. and nowadays.. i have had tots of getting a tattoo of a razor done across my wrist to stop myself from cutting.. haha.. sounds stupid i know.. and i cant imagine not S.i-ing anymore. so i guess its never gonna happen.
plus.. i cant even save enough to get my three tune mags in kino waiting for my collection... -_- i was supposed to collect it by today or my subscription wld be suspended but i had to call them to let em noe ill collect next week.. and for them to help extend it.. sigh..

o.. and not forgetting.. i need to get another file for francis.. need to buy consession for my ez-link, need to get my planned piercings done and most imp... 50mm LENS!!! fuck. :'( i wanna cry.. ARG..

ar well.. no use wallowing in self pity.
tmr is darkroom time but i have nothing to develop. how nice.. -_-

listening to "crawling" by linkin park (been listening alot to them again lately..)

i feel my life beginning to spiral down again. yet there are some things to be happy about. which is rather strange.. i dunno..

i feel stressed... and scared for francis' class this friday..
and i had to do test prints and stuff for my pictures again since i lost all the info abt the timing and stuff cos it was all in my phone and as u already noe... being the careless person that i am.. i dropped it in the sea! grr.. i was so angry at myself when i remembered that the info was in there. fuck..

but i cant do anything.... i just have to live with it. -_-

and ive been listening to linkin park all over again.. its been a good 4 yrs since i last went crazy over them. i miss listening to them in my discman everynight whenever i go to sleep... they are the first band i was obsessed over and i think im gonna be obsessed over them again. i cant wait for their new album... sigh.. (plus my perfect partner wld be chester and mike put together! ahaha.. blame it on the hormones of my then-13 yr old self..)

i think i began hearing them all over again when i was going through that rough patch with my "now-no-longer-friends" friends.. (get it?)
going back to the past.. haha.. tts sad.. speaking of which.. i feel so much better without having to worry about them or thinking and getting all paranoid over whether they still like me or not... or whether their frens are being good examples to them.. or whatever fuck i tot when i knew them.

i feel so free now. me and my sister. together we're invincible!

but.. i feel so.. alone?.. empty?.. yea.. i guess empty's the word..

hrmp.

as chester sings it in runaway:

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind


.. yea we did it. we ran away alright. but we didnt throw away responsibility like some bitch said we did. all we did was.. cure the problem. if we cldnt make them solve it, we'd solve it. we've cured our hurt.

listening to "time is running out" by muse

ok.. the nafa sports day was more of a do whatever you want at the beach day. haha. but it was real fun... my horoscope today says that its time i had a good time and party.. which is wat i did.. and it was great.

two bad things happened though.. i got sunburned and my handphone somehow fell out of my pants and into the sea while i was walking in the water.. (i only walked in till my knees were submerged...) -_- ar well.. anyhoo, needless to say.. its a goner! bah.. and i dont know how to tell my dad.. he just left this afternoon to hatyai... blah.

ok.. other than that.. we just all relaxed.. drank heinekan, bacardi breezer.. random drinks including yogurt drink and some cocktail jelly thing... (its a wonder we didnt get diarrhea..)

its my first time at any beach in sentosa.. haha.. and the first time i saw km8 after hearing ppl talk abt it here and there.. its wonderful.. but will be even better at night.. with a bunch of frens sitting and relaxing with a drink i think.. km8's atmosphere and live music was absolutely wonderful.

after all of us got our various degrees of sunburn, me, my sis, hardi, rachel and diego went to eat dinner at new york pizza and then went random window shopping.. haha.. all at harbour front.
was so tired in the end.. we went home like dead zombies..

and now im here.. after a shower with aloe vera gel on my arms.. and moisturizer on my face.

@_@.. i must remember sunblock next time.

o yea.. forgot that me and my sis finally watched over the hedge a few days ago.. its.. not that great.. but hammy is simply adorable! :D haha..
and we also watched Stand by me again... after so long (ive forgotten what its abt)... its absolutely wonderful. its the most amazing coming of age movie ive ever seen and and one of my favourites definitely. :)

go watch it!

listening to "true" by spandau ballet.

today is nafa sports day!! im meeting the guys before we leave... its at some beach in sentosa.. WHY? its so freaking hot. but im looking forward to unwind with my classmates.. we're getting beer and stuff..

anyway, my dad is going up to hatyai for the next 3 days.. bah.

and.. on tuesday, i bot the new muse cd!!! it is extremely nice. :D i give it 5 stars! haha.. goody. i also went to ben and jerrys for the first time with my sis... @_@ i noe i noe.. im so backdated... im never going back unless its with a big grp of ppl.. TRE EXPENSIVE. -_-'' sigh..

o.. and i had a nightmare last night about getting diebetes.. O M G. i was so scared... i must watch my diet. T_T

sigh... n wed and thurs was spent in the darkroom again.. im so dissappointed with my pictures... :( even francis said he was scared and panicking for us.. but he said we can do it.. its all in the heart.. so ill try harder... *cries*

shucks.. i gtg.

listening to "take me home" by aqualung.

last night was great.. me and my sis cooked dinner for the family. Velvet shrimp with linguine. mm... i myself loved it.. but the fact that it was cream based and we bot too little shrimps.... sigh... haha.

ar well... i just realized ive got lots of work to do and ive been slacking off alot.

bah. why is sch becoming so dreadful all of a sudden..? must be because of all the other rubbish i have to do just to go on to next yr.. like DESIGN DRAWING. which does nothing for me as a photographer. fuck that. it makes sch Dreadfulllllll with a capital D. bah. the other stuff is fine i guess... ARG... *bangs head*

ar well.. tmr will be darkroom day~ :)